There's a saying I heard as a child, 'A rolling stone gathers no moss', I used to think about that, how once the ball is rolling it is rather hard to stop. Was that a good thing, or a bad thing?
Life feels like that sometimes, it gathers momentum and some things go well and other things fall flat. Originally the saying was meant to encourage desirable stability. Now a-days it refers to objectionable stagnation. Which is the better choice?
Desirable stability has been important to me in my single parenting life, it has been an anchor through heartache and pain. The same job for 15 years has helped me focus, and well ... feel safe. I like feeling safe! And the truth is it has been a safe haven. I've evolved in that time, grown and changed in the safety of a loving community of kind and compassionate human beings. My heart has gone deeper, my mind expanded more fully, and my soul has grasped further reach. Teaching is one of the rare opportunities to purposely engage with the nurturing of life on a daily basis. You can't help but be changed by that. I can't imagine doing anything else. But, sometimes that very anchor can now feel restrictive, limiting to purpose and potential. What once felt safe, can now feel contained. How do I stop the stagnation of my soul?
How do I keep living this blessed life but continue to lift the lid on possibilities and keep thinking outside of the box? What do you do with that restlessness in your soul that stirs purpose and passion on a regular basis, especially when you now know that the world so desperately needs you to do something? Is my living safe, or living small minded stopping me from moving forward? Am I living in objectionable stagnation?
I have thought at times, that the opening of my eyes and the inclination of my ears might be enough, that my just being aware of human suffering might leave me somehow a more open and compassionate human being. I have wondered if that is it, the thing I need to learn for the life I need to live, here on my side of the world ... to live more open-hearted and a more willing life right where I am ... Is that enough?
I struggle with this notion of living sensibly and safe or throwing caution to the wind and chasing ambitious pursuits, but how can I when responsibility weighs heavy and answers do not come rushing in? The niggling in my soul nudges me daily, pressing hard on the inside of my ribcage.
Where would it take me if I let it roam free?
As I near the end of Dellaire's book, his words hit their mark 236 pages in, 'now that you know of the terrible reality in which these children exist, you can never un-know it. You are involved now, and once you are involved it is impossible for you to remain aloof, impassive, detached or uninterested'.
Aahh!! ... so much to say, please come back tomorrow. x