Heart Break

The heart is the only broken instrument that works.” - T.E Kalem

 

Have you ever been moved so deeply that its as if time has indeed stood still - when your heart and soul is so overwhelmed that you feel like you just can't go on? This happened to me through the loss of a dream..... the end of my marriage signalled the end of an era. If you had told me as a little girl that I would one day be a single mum, I would have laughed at you. This was an inconceivable thought..... our little girl dreams see us living happily ever after. Yet after 15 years of marriage I found myself on the precipice of divorce. My head screamed its many unspoken thoughts, "Why me?" "How could my life have come to this?" "How does a single mother ever change the world when her own is crumbling around her?"

It never occurred to me that my dreams might be sidetracked by the devastation of divorce. Throughout many difficult years my dreams quietly went to sleep. It hurt too much to think about, it all seemed far out of reach and much too impossible. The devastation of divorce is like an out of control fire, burning up everything in its way until nothing but ruin and rubble remain. Interestingly however, it is after the devastation of a forest fire that new life springs forth. Trees quickly sprout shoots and grow anew. The miracle of new life begins again. The seeds of hope and purpose are still there. The fire has burnt away the surface layers, yet that which lies deep within the earth lays ready waiting, quietly biding its time. While my life had been seemingly sidetracked, the path of life continued to widen before me. I still travelled towards hope, purpose and destiny. All I needed to do was take one step at at time and that I did. Sometimes one breath at a time. 

I looked at the disillusionment around me and wondered how I had come to be in this place. In my pain I cried aloud to God..... I saw myself in my minds eye gather together the ash and ruin of my life. How can you make anything beautiful out of something so empty? No longer did I have anything of value to give - only my loss. As I picked up the ashen heap and held it in my hands, I held all that I felt was left of my life and my dreams out to God. I cried out to him...."Here, this is all that I have to offer you". It was then at that moment that he breathed over them. I could see the ashes of my life scatter as his gentle breath blew life back into me. He began recreating, reforming, refashioning. He took the nothing and began forming it into something. It was my moment of awakening... suddenly I understood what it meant to exchange the ashes of my life for something of beauty - something of value, dignity and worth. HIS breath on my hopes and dreams..... the realization was breathtaking. It was exactly in this place of deep loss that He awakened my dreams, my hopes and my future. My heart and soul was awakened once again. 

My moment of awakening came in my darkest hours.... in the aftermath of heartbreak and heartache I discovered an amazing thing. That the death of one thing can lead to the birth of another. That dying to self can actually bring forth life. While one dream died another was being resurrected.

Circumstances will not limit me to what is possible. I simply refuse ....I refuse to be hemmed in, shaken or uprooted. I am a single mother and single minded but thankfully not doing life single-handedly. I am not doing life alone. The english dictionary defines single as - 1. distinct from others of the same kind. 2. designed for one user. 3. valid for an outward journey only. Hhmmmm .... well, all I can say is "Let the fun begin."

My heart for more abounds... to live more destined, more devoted and more daring. My heart longs to touch humanity and be the change. To love the vulnerable and hold the orphaned, abandoned and alone.... to kiss away the tears of despair and whisper of a hope, a purpose and a destiny. I have chosen to be fully present for this life, this adventure and the amazing journey ahead of me - Whatever....wherever.....whenever.

The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. They must be felt with the heart - Helen Keller.

{In December of 2010 I finally achieved a long held dream. After a year of planning, fund raising (thanks to my beautiful daughter) and  final preparations I journeyed to Uganda Africa as part of a global team volunteering for 2 weeks with an organisation called Watoto, assisting in the babies and children's homes with the abandoned and abducted children of Uganda. For more on these adventures click on the Watoto links on my blog.

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